Avit U Slags!

(tune of the day: Maybe I am insane but I cant stop lisening to "Automatic Predator" on repeat. Sorry if you're board of this tune but tuff shit anyway I'm addicted.)

Really pissed off with mtts right now. Cant seem to win a damn thing of those bitches. Been drinking since last post and went down the pub to get even more wasted with my likkle bro. Got home and played a couple multies. Busted a $5 very quickly. Cant remeber the hand. Then busted in a $15 jobbie AJ vs QJ allin on the J high flop and the slag caught a str8.

Decided to ignore the advice of my good friends who have advised me to stay away from the cash tables, and sat down at $2/$4 with $100. Unusually I sat down at the loosest table I could find and the first 3 hands I watched were totally shocking. One guy had $995 and was imo playing like a total dick. He rasied to $30 pre with 95o and caught a set on the flop. Next hand I get AK utg and make it $12. 3 callers, flop 3A5 two diamonds. I didnt want to chance someone hitting a flush and jam. This prick calls me with AJ (spades) and I take down a $225 pot. Thats a days wages in one hand!

Put It In Cider!!!!

• Post Post

Fuck me $2/$4 is sooooo siiiick! Lost $100 in about 3 hands so left the table. Sat down at another with $100 next to a dude who was on the last table, multy tabling. I had a pair of Js and caught a set on the flop. This cunt kept reraising me to the river where I check jammed and he showed AJ. Made my money back plus $25. That was another $225 pot. Running well hot atm but I is totally wankered so I'm gona call it a night b4 I lose everything. Fucking shit myself when I lost that $100 and cant believe I won it back so quickly. I think I might be getting addicted to this gambling malarky!

GL Folks!!!!

2HandShandy Strikes Back! (plus pps)

(tune of the day: Intolerence by ElyMuff. Wair are you m8?)

Asboslutely gutted! No main Teknival event this year due to too much rig confiscation at the last one. Fucking Pigs! We're not hurting anyone you slags! And they wonder why there's so much violence when they show up with pepper spray. Fucking cunts I fucking hate 'em. There's still two fat parties going on right now but I couldnt make it to either :-(

Did the sng thing but was well wasted. Won the first but busted the rest and polished off my last £20 on cash.

Had a phone call from the bank yesterday, probly trying to find out why I am so much over my limit. I told them I was Paul's lodger and Paul is on holiday for two weeks. They said they would send me a letter. So #### #### ########## ## #### ## ######. In a $10 freezout at the mo and I'm chip leader atm. Asboslutely rincing these fishees!

Will post post later.

Put It In Cyder!!!!

• Post Post

Just read Amatay's blog. V funny m8, as always. Not sure what site he's into but if you wanna find good free porn go to myfreepaysite.com you have to give them an email addee to get a password but you dont get sent no shit and there's no viruses.

Just got dealt pocket 4s three time in a row and couldn't find a set. Next hand pocket 3's and I caught a 3 on the K high flop. Some prick went allin with K4 (no 4 on the board) and I took the slag out! lol

• Post Post Post

Got fucked off playing tournies. Put $20 into a $5 rebuy. My KK got busted twice. The first one really hurt. I min raised preflop and got put allin by two slags. The first one had QJo and busted, the second slag had 34o and caught a fucking str8! ffs. Not sure if I tilted or not but had to leave when my KK ran into bullets allin preflop.

So I sat down for some cash action $0.50/$1 and lost $40. #### ### ####### #### ######## ## #### wank and stuck it in Blu. Sat down at $1/$2 and just took down a $150 pot when my 44 caught a set and the dude couldnt fold aces. Left that table and I is in another rebuy. $3 this time. Very drunk so taking it easy and listening to some gabba for a change. lol

btw busted out in 37th in the ~$10 fo. 495 runners, paid to 30. Damn shame. Didnt actually realise how close I was to the bubble. Should have played a little tighter. In 3rd place in the $3 rebuy atm. 799 runners this will be a battle. Wish me luck!

• PPPPost

Busted 106th. Getting pissed off with tourneys again. Might try ###### ##### ## ##### #####(just fo fun). If it does I'm having a good old fashioned 2HandyShandy. Fukkit I'm gonna try for a grand!

• PP
  PPPPpppPost

Solidely sick!!! Asbofukking lootley off my tits right now but manaheged to take down a $212 pot on $1/$2. Also, ######## ######## ########### ###### #### #####. Not quite ready for a wank yet coz I has got 3 litres of Cyder and plenty of poker to play. I really cant believe how much better the standard of play is at $1/$2. These cunts will fold anything! LMFAO!!!!!

• Bollocks! Might have to stop playing poker and cash my BluSq money. Got the fucking fraud squad on my ass now. FUCK!!!! Sometimes my Drunken activities really do make me want to shit myself! lol

Wind and Go Down

(tune of the day: fucked it up sorry. Had a wicked sample from Sexy Beast. I'm listening to it now so, Maybe later)

Aint played no poker yet this week but I will be taking the good advice Kenn gave me. Me and cash games are no more. I'm gonna stick to sng's. Maybe get up to the $50 buyin mark on these. Only have £10 left to put in so will start with $5 jobbies on BluSq.

Saw my dept councillor and he helped me fill out some forms. Should be bankrupt in about 4 weeks. Get In There! ha ha. Apparently my alkeehole problem will help reduce my monthly payments but my "gambling" will make him want to punish me. Unfortunately I cant lie about this coz its all in my bank statements so I'm just gonna tell him I'm really good at poker when I'm sober and wanted to make a living out of it, problem is, I'm never sober. I know he wont understand but I hope I dont get stung too bad. It's only a grand in a year afterall.

Time to hit the tables!

Put It In Cyder!!!

It's Official: I am dumber than I look!

(tune of the day: really need to chill out after a hard night at work so here's a nice little Old Skool set by DJ Flipside. If you dont have RealPlayer just exit the sign up rubbish and it should load anyway. Enjoy.)

I'm absolutely crushed at the mo. My £100 to £500 plan was complete anihilation. I'm so gutted right now I nearly didn't do this post.

First things first. A big Happy 30th Birthday shout goes out to my mate Bars! Hope you had a good one mate (not sure if you read this but I'm sure Romper can pass it on).

I missed the party last night and thats the main reason I'm so gutted right now. After rincing my £100 I had no choice but to go to work lastnight. Gutted!

#Heres what happened: Totally wasted as ever so only single tabling 25p/50p. Lost my 1st £25 real quick to a suckout and reloaded. Got that £25 up to £80 after about 2hours playing the same people for a change. I know I should have left the table then but my Drunken logic told me I needed £100 to call it a double up. Unfortunlatly I'm just coming up to the 6litre mark and something must have twisted my brain. I started telling all these cats that I was a pro and had won a WSOP braclet (lol) and the only reason I was playing these stakes was to teach a mate how to rince fishees. ffs! Anyway I got clocked str8 away for being a drunkad allin bluffer and some guy was actually cussing me for talking cod shit. So when I got cowboys I decided to cashin on my codshit with a preflop jam. Got called by A8s who caught the A on the flop and I couldnt find the K. Lost an £88 pot on that one. I chilled for a bit and started hitting out with A rag and got out kickered each time.

Now any skill that I was playing with went totally out the window coz I was looking for a quick fix. Not to be. Rinced my whole stack in about half an hour. Yes its true, I actually am dumber than I look.

So ok, it teknically wasn't actually my money that I was playing with coz the bank was stupid enough to extend my od limit, but thats not the point. I really did need to win enough money to pay for my busto. So now I'm back to skid row and couldnt afford to call in sick to go to my mates party. All night I've been cussing my self. Couldnt even get a fone call through to my mate. I'm such a looser sometimes. Feeling a bit better now coz I've got one pint of Cyder left but I've still got a lot of stuff to sort out b4 I go bust. Told myself I wouldnt be playing anymore poker and this was gona be my last post for the month, and I was gona give up drinking, but we all know that aint true. Even if they do cancel my internet connection I can still hook it up through someone else and get them to load up my poker account for me cash. You cant keep this Drunk man down!

Probly wont be playing Crypto for a while but will deff be sticking the odd fiver into BluSq.

GG GL and Put It In Cyder!!!

Get off My PC

(tune of the day: Still having trouble finding Cadmunkey's request of "Mandy" by Barry Maniloe. Did find the Bollywood version "Oh Mandip" but I couldnt upload it so you guys are stuck with. "Love u long time" On One Inch Punch records by Ely Muff. Cant get enough of this tune)

Decided to put £100 into Crypto lastnight. Still couldnt find Cadmunkey. Maybe next time eh?

Rinced £45 really quickly 4 tabling 25p/50p. I was so wasted I thought I was sober. My m8 Romper came and sat next to me on one table. I was so hammered it took me 5 mins to notice. lol. My mate Phill came round with 3 litres of Cyder and I let him play a few hands. In the time it took me to pour a pint he had already rinced £10 off one table. So I sat and watched what he was doing. He asked me if he should raise with 102o utg. Then I realized he was more wasted than me. I said he could raise when he got A8s but he got reraised then raised again. He said " I think they're bluffing I'm allin" (for £35!) I grabbed the mouse of him and told him to fook off (which inspired pic of the day). So I'm about £45 down and I went down the pub. Got board and came back for some poker. Knowing how pissed I was I booted up pokerstove to keep me occupied while not in the hand. Managed to make another tenner but cant remember any hands coz I was well twated. Acc bal is now $140. My aim is to make £500 so I can pay for bankrupcy.

Time to read some blogs and try catch up with Kenn on the WSOP sub.

Put It In Cyder!!!

UK Teknival 2006 at Davidstowe,Cornwall

For some reason this vid will only play for a limited time on my blog so get it while its hot!
Please let me know if you could or could not view it. If anyone cant get it just go to www.youtube.com and search for the above title to see what Im talking about. I would really appreciate it if someone could tell me why I am having problems putting youtube vids on me blog. Cheers
In the mean time I'll be watching all the other mental parties that are on youtube. Cant wait to get back on the scene after I go bust. Live the Dream! Its even better than wanking!!!
Put It In Cyder!!!

So Lonely With Out $$$

(tune of the night "Newskool Retaliation" by Enticer)

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Shout out to Cadmunkey for updating his blog at my request. You can pick a tune of the day if you want mate, long as I got it in my bag lol. Good to hear from you mate and glad you made a profit.

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Went round the ol'dears for a curry tonight (man it was hot) and God Bless 'Er she had a bottle of Frosty Jacks in the fridge for me. I am not worthy.

Got home and checked my Crypto acc. for a laugh and found out that I had already cashed my $20 bonus. Must have been well wasted last week to not notice that. lmao. SWEET!

Kept to my plan of double and up but made the mistake of starting on NL$25 and not NL£25 which is where I have been getting paid off lately. Jesus Christ I should have listened to Cadmunkey. Those fukkers call and raise with anything! Stuck to my guns tho anyway and waited for a monster, watching fat pots go down with 92o vs 24s vs A2o etc. and was just glad to be creaming rakeback pennies for tomoro. My plan was to sit down with half max buyin at every level so if it all went wrong I could start again. I know this is well fishy but I've noticed people dont respect your ability or cash flow if you dont have max buyin (a strategy I should only use on higher stakes coz these cunts dont give a fuck!)

.

Got my stack up to $18 and should have moved up here really. This crazy mo fo kept raising up with f all and I thought I could nail him for a double up. QQ on a J high flop and I reraise him allin on his $1.25 bet into a $3 pot. He calls with Ax and hits on the river. SLAG!

Next half buyin was even worse and got dicked by some serious bad luck. Oh well thats low stakes I guess. I would have been better off doing the lot in a slot machine. My odds on a win were a lot higher.

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Totally skint now and my bank acc. is still frozen so no more play till 2moz. Its well shit being a night worker when its 1am, all my mates who are usually around through the early hours have pulled birds for the night, and I aint got no more money for poker. I need me a biatch!

Put my poker skills (lol) to work in a different way today. I'm about £450 over my od limit with my bank and they froze my acc. and have been trying to call me to give me abuse:

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Dealing Cards: Bank raises 3 calls on my mobile and I fold each time. Bank raises a call on my landline (dont know how they found that), and I raise (answer). Bank must be holding something big coz he puts in a closeout bet of "You are massively overdrawn and you must pay by tomoro". Now I'm sitting with pocket KKs and decide to slow play call with "Really, I knew there was a problem with my wages last week but..."

.

Flop comes xxx. Bank makes it "If you dont pay us by tomoro its out of our hands" Now I know he's got bullets but I reraise with "Thats bang out of order you guys made the mistake with my rent money in the first place" He calls "I'll have to consult my line manager please wait a moment.

.

Turn x. He checks with "I'm very sorry sir it does seem we were not supposed to have charged you" I check with "Hmmm".

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River x. He makes it "But you are still over you limit even without our mistake". I reraise with "It was your fault and my wages will cover it (like fuck) later in the week" He rereaises with "Your wages wont cover it and your acc. will remain frozen until we repay our mistake(fukkin slag! that means I cant even get my wages)" I reraise allin with "I will be using my card to get my wages otherwise I will contact the banking ombotsmon to file an official complaint!". He thinks for ages (talking to his boss) and folds with "Ok sorry sir we have extended your od facilatay to accomodate" Get In There! Bluffed a £450 pot! Little did he know I would have cheated anyway with Aces up my sleve "Bankrupcy". I'll save them for next weeks game. LOL

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Put It In Cyder!!!

Impending Doom

(tune of the day fittingly titled "Impending Doom", nice likkle triphead rockka!)

Been away from da net so aint checked up on nobody yet. Hope you folks is all bin doin natty AIII!

Totally and utterly broke atm. My debt advisor still aint sent my bankrupcy application but hoping to hear from him today. Schemin on a little plan to get another bottle of Cyder but my 1ltre will have to do for now. Havent tried rincin with neteller coz I'm hoping another rent cheque will go through b4 I go totally busto. Should be getting my wages in cheque form next week so I've invested in a magic ink remover and my weeks wages should be quite close to the £250K mark. lol.

Just had an amazing email which inspired me to write this post really. Interpoker are now doin twice monthly rakeback payments. Sweet Mother of Marey!!! This means that I get my rakeback tomorow YES YES!!! I was only 2 points away from collecting my reload bonus when I busted and wasn't sure if I would ever see it. The DrunkenMonk is back baby!!!

Put It In Cyder!!!

• Post Post

Jesus Christ its 12pm already. I promised a mate I would wake him up round his house at 8am which I did, so he didnt miss his probation. He said he'd be round my house with a bottle of Cyder at 11am. He's half an hour late ffs and I've only got a few sips left. I am about to eneter HELL!!!

Tagged (I wondered what that meant)

( tune of the day is a funky break by Ronin called War on Error. Pic is of me when I looked in the mirror on acid. lol)

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Right so I've been "tagged" by Burnley Mik. Cheers mate. I wandered what that was coz a mate of mine e-tagged me ages ago. I thought it was a phising scam and deleted it twice. Havent heard from her since. Hope she still likes me. lol

So as I see it, I gotta think of 7 things that most people dont know about me. Thats gonna be tough coz as most of you know I am a long term cronic alcoholic and have forgotten most of the intersting information I once had. Ok here goes:

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1. I am a long term alcoholic. And lovin it! lol

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2. Went to Uni in London back in the late 90's. Shared a house with some fellow student folk. Came home one sunny afternoon drunk as ever and a mate had lent me some filth on video. As most red blooded young students do, I wacked it in the tape player, pressed play, and took off my most of clothes for a quick one off the wrist (hate those stains). It was a really hot day so I went to open the window. Unfortunately I had sash windows and the cord broke. The window slammed down hard trapping my finger inside. I let out a cry of pain unwittingly alerting my fellow house mates to my predick-ament. This is also when I reallised I had left my 750 watt surround sound system at full volume from a party the night before. The porn kicked in full pen at full volume (aparently you could hear it from the end of the street). All the girls from upstairs came rushing into my room to see wtf was goin on! They found me stuck to the window in my boxer shorts watching some of the roughest filth they have ever seen. Jesus, still havent lived that one down.

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3. Used to work as a delivery driver in London. A mate known as Dangerous Kidneys showed up around midnight with some booze. It was Wednesday and I explained I had to work in the morning but he werent havin it so I had a couple pints with him. Its like 2am and I told him this was my last pint and he agreed while pooring it. I'm sitting there drinking and these two cunts (him and Diggy) are sitting there pissing themselves laughing like girls! I cant make any sense of it and decide to drink up and go to bed. As I'm downing the pint I notice there's a picture of Rupert the Bear at the bottom. U SLAAAGS!!!! I hadnt done drugs in years and now these cunts had put me on an acid trip right before I had to go to work. I was not happy! After the minor punch up, I decided whether or not I was gonna drive a 7.5 ton truck around mental London for 10 hours. Wont tell you what I did but I did have a really wicked day.

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4. Went to a squat party entitled "Porn and Gabba". This flyer had a picture of a man pissing into a glass with a woman about to drink it. Being sure I would pickup a nice lass at this party I went along. It was in an old abandoned cinema in Hackney and they had manged to rig up the main screen. And no shit they were playing filth all night while blasting out gabba. Siiik! I knew this guy who just cant stop talking, and he sat down on the main stage to yabba sht at some poor gal. We're all shouting at him to get off the stage and this just drove him on to talk more. Some people were actually throwing up now. He didn't realize that he was sitting in front of the projector, and all we could see were cocks going into his mouth. lol

.

5. Thats it from me else peeps are gonna stop reading my blog.

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Poker: last played on Friday but was too gutted to post so can now only remeber one or two hands, sry (the first I played). NL£25 sat down with £25. Dealt AA on the button. utg makes it £4, mid makes it £10, so I jam. Both call to show QQ and KK and you guessed it. The slag hit a K on the turn and I couldnt beat it. Ended up busting £75 very quickly with some bad moves and luckilly a mate showed up with a bottle of Cyder.

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I decided to let him take the rains on some lower stakes. He actually offered me cash to play but he's more of a rookie than me and I didnt want to see him loose his money, so bankrolled him as long as I had final shout on the allins. This was kool coz I got to sit back and down cider while he 4 tabled 15c/25c. It was really good fun to watch coz he's picked up poker pritty quick. He made a tidy little some on all tables but then he/we learned how to go on double bubble tilt. He wanted to bet $4 into a $10 pot when we flopped top str8. There were two soots there and I told him to go allin. Got called by flush draw who connected on the river for a $60 pot.

It was almost funny to see the look on my mates face. Even tho it wasnt his money he looked sooo crushed. I werent having this shit so I was like "raise up on every table!" And he kept asking "should I go allin?" We played for about 3 hours (amazingly) but man were we hammered by the end. Cant remember what hands we busted out on but I managed to blow my entire $244 roll. Ouch! My mate put his head in his hands and I think I could hear him sobbing. I had to laugh. Its only money and I'm actually only £10 down for the week so sod it. Good fun at the tables! Plus I think my bank is still giving me unlimited roll (maybe they think neteller is a petrol station) so might have to wack in a wod before they find out about my imminent bankrupcy. lol

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Put It In Cider!!!

She Showed Me Her Ass And I Smacked It!

(I am so fucking wasted right now its unreal. Tune of the day is a well trippy numba by Ronin from the HedFuk crew. Wkd tune imo.)

Poker: Right this shit is fucked up. I've been on a bad one all day about how messed up my financial situation is so I been hitting the booze pritty hard. Got a phone call from the almighty leg end named Yorkshire Pudding. He explained the ins and outs of bankrupcy and helped me a lot. He's a really safe bloke too, thanks Pud, U R A Star!

After that I went back to Crypto and I still had $28 left. I put $10 on two tables each and manged to rince the lot. Went to BluSq and had $6.55 there. Rinced that in about 5 minutes. So now I have nothing at all. Decided to try and put £10 into Netteler and it worked so I put $20 into Crypto. Hahahahhahaha This is really fucking sick!

Multi tabled 15c/25c for a bit on 3 tables and trippled up on all 3. Took the advice that Kenn gave me (thanks mate!!!) and left all the tables and started again with just $10 on one 10 seater. Kenn you are a fucking ledgend mate! I was well well wasted by this time, its like 2am. And I'm only single tabling. I manage to turn $10 into $102 on a single table in an hour. Then I start thinking about what Cadmunky said. He reckons Crypto is really bad for suckouts at the lower levels, and I'm thinking fuckit I'll move up to the levels he plays on. (really wasted atm).

So I sit down for a single table sesh on 25p/50p. I've always been terrible at table selection and DrunkenMonk sat down at a table with £10 on a ten seater vs £80, £95, £60, £75, and £185. I made a few quid with some solid poker but Jesus Christ this was siiiick! The girl with £185 raises my J10s to £2 utg. I'm in late pos and there's no way I can refuse a bet like that. She obviously aint got a very strong hand coz there's no way you would play it like that utg on a stack like that. And I reckon she must have been bullying these boys for a while before I got here. All fold down to me and I make it £8 to go. (this is really sick) She flat calls and flop comes 5810 rainbow. I'm actually quite worried now coz I never put her on a good hand but she could have easilly hit something here. (maybe trip 5s). She puts £5 in and I aint cuntin around so make it £10 to see what shes holdin. She flat calls me and turn is a J. She bets £5 and I insta-jam. River is a Monk rag and she flips over A10. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! £50 pot to me! I cuntinue to rince this bitches stack(she left with 11 quid lol) and all the other cunts on the table and now have a wopping $244 in my Crypto acc. I started with $20 ffs. Get In There!!!

Put It In Cyder!!!

• Post Post

Hang on a minute. How fucking shit faced am I now and was I then? Totally and utterly! One for the DrunkenMonk I belive.

• Post Post Post

Its 8am now and I am still knocking back the Cyder. Went to Crypto to see if this really was true, and Yes! I turned $20 into $244.42 in the space of 2 hours. Nice!!! The DrunkenMonk staggers on!!!!! Probably going to have one off the wrist now.

BOOM!

(tune of the day is a right messed up likkle number by Ely Muff called "Incest Is Best". He must have WestCuntry roots. lol. Great sister skull fuck samples. AVVIT! in your eye! Picture was taken by someone watching me play poker last night)

Dont know why I'm bothering to post this really coz I cant remember a single thing about last night. Passed out round a mates house and woke up around 11pm. Had another 3litres at home in the fridge so went back to play some poker. Decided to fuck the bank off and put £50 into Crypto. Got up to $185 multi tabling cash. Jesus that shit is good fun. Unfortunately I think they clocked me as a drunk on every table and I busted all bar $16. Bugger!

Just run out of Cyder so will be trying to screw another bottle off my card in a mo. I really wish whores took switch! Right back on the tables in a bit!

Nuff ruspec to Yorkshire Pudding for helping me out with my debt problems. Cheers Brudda!

~Put It In Cider!!!!

Get In There!!!

(Tune of the day is called Love You Long Time by the almighty Ely Muff. Need I say more? Long intro so have some patience you slags this tune is asbolutely sick!!!)

My dreadlock mate came round lastnight. She aint got dreads anymore but we had a wicked time. I'll say no more.

Had a major stroke of luck today (twice?) On the way to the offee I noticed the advice people were in town for their once monthly visit. I aint gona be able to make my minimum payments tomorow so went in for some debt counciling.

This guy was really kool. Knew exactly what he was talking about and said I could easilly get bankruptcy, and actually thought it was a good idea. Basically I need to open a new bank account so I can get my wages and pay my rent. When I go bankrupt I should be able to keep this acc. open coz these days everything is automated and you cant get your wages in cash anymore.

My biggest concern was loosing or having to move out all my sound equipment, and not being able to play online poker anymore. He said cancel all dd's and standing orders right now and fuck both banks right off. "Dont pay them another single fucking penny" his words. Maybe he was relating to the Cyder stench off my breath. As I said, kool bloke. He reckons they cant send the bailiffs round coz I've never had a ccj. By the time they get a warrant I'll be bankrupt anyway. Fucking Nice One!!! I get to keep everything I Monked on. Yeah baby!

Even better. He said I can still keep my phone and internet connection coz they are both vital forms of communication. That means I can keep poking. The DrunkenMonk staggers on!!! (fuckin loving tune of the day right now)

For some strange reason one of my bank acc.s alows me virtually unlimited cash withdrawals (something I actually complained about not long ago). ############# ########## ############ ############. ################## ######## #### ###### # I'll have a quick one off the wrist before buying more Cyder. Hows that for fucking bankroll management?

Card Board City Here I Come! (got some mates there who totally rock.(something to do with their medication))

Poker: Only played a couple hours last night coz I had to tidy up the flat before me tree spirit princess came round.(Me love you long time. Tune of the day still flat out) Dont know where my brain was at coz I put $20 into BluSq when I'm getting 40% rakeback on Crypto. Anyway, got dealt 66 in late po (10c/20c) and recklessly called a $2 raise to go hu. Flop 643 rainbow. Ha Ha! I'm puting this guy on AK QQ or JJ. He makes a cuntinuation bet of $2. I call. Turn J. He makes it $5? Now I put him on overpair, not JJ and jam. He calls. River 7. He shows fucking 55! Jesus fucking Christ you fucking tit wank! Cleaned me out completely.

Took me a bit to reload (ouch I really couldnt afford that) and went back to the same table to take out this filthy stinking fish. I told him "You got lucky that time mate" and he said "Its always dangerous to slow play" I jammed on the fucking turn you CUNT! Anyway I got my money back off the slag and someone else knocked him out. Not sure what my acc. bal is right now but I have some thing to play with so its time to read some blogs and hit the tables. Oh and if anyone has any good advice on how to rince out a bank acc. b4 they go bankrupt I would love to hear it.

Good luck me bredrins and Put It In Cyder! WestCuntry Style AIII!

Fuk Fukedy Fuk Fuk Fuk!

This post hast gota be quick coz I'm so fucking pissed off I cant fucking belive it. FUCKING BOLLACKS CUNT FUCK!!!!!!!
The 5 beer plan went str8 out the window when a m8 of mine showed up b4 I had even started playing. It turned into the 10 beer plan and it was goin amazingly well for a mo.
Jesus H I'm so gutted now.
FUCKING BOLLACKS!!!!!!!!
Played two sngs. Cashed in the first, busted in the second then said fuckit I'm playing cash.
Made it up to $35 on the first buyin. But busted it!
Next buyin, made it up to $45 but couldnt leave. Fucking hell! Made my first str8 flush in a cash game today for a massive pot. Caught top full house next hand for another massive pot against A high flush, but for some stupid reason I couldnt leave while I was ahead and busted the fucking lot!
Put another £5 in. £20 down at the time cnt afford.Caught another str8 flush would you fucking believe to put me back into profit, but still I couldn't leave. Fucking bollacks! Blew de whole shebang, put another £5 in and lost that very quickly on tilt. £25 down now and fucking skint! Fucking bollacks I hate this fucking shit and I am so fucking pissed off I cant believe it. Twice now I could have left on a profit but I fukked da fukking lot. FUCKING TIT WANK!!!!!

BOLLOCKS!!!!

DrunkenMonk's Five Beer Plan

(tune of the day: this ones by Ronin: "Speedchump". Funky little b boy stlye number. Really good for the earlier hours and has a wicked guitar riff. I like it anywayz. Pic is of some guy named Stalin. He thought hee had a plan!)

Ahh, finished work for another week. Only had to work two days this week. Life is goood. Gotta do four in a row to make up for it next week tho. Thats gona sting worse than a 2HandShandy after a curry sesh.

Right the "Five Beer Plan". Basically my funds are at an all time low and I really need to sort this out coz my mate is coming over this arvo to get mashed and I aint seen her since last summer. Gota get hold of some more booze and that'll be a lot easier if I can fall back on a poker wedge later in the week. (I should really do the weekly washing up and take a bath before she comes too :-)

The plan is, I'm not gona drink more than 5 pints of Cyder b4 midday. Gona put £5 into BluSq and play a $5 sng. If I cash I keep playin the $5s till I double, then move up to the $10s. If I dont cash in the 1st then I move down a bit. Will have to switch on my "shot away loon detector" (you get a lot of them at 7am) to take down some big early pots and cruise from there.

£5 to £50 is my aim for the day, and no matter what happens I'm not playing cash till next week. (well Thursday anyway).

Oh yeah, it was brought to my attention that one or two of my familly members might have found out about my secret drinking/gambling blog. I have 3 things to say about this:

Firstly, Was it you who said "Try sobering up a bit you f##king looser"?

Secondly, How do you know its me anyway. Someone could have been winding you up.

Thirdly, Yes I am proud of myself!

Fourthly, Mum if its you reading. Remember I luv ya! (God bless 'er she's lovely)

Oh and Fithly, My New Years resolution this year was to drunkenly rant at people as often as possible, and for the first time ever I might actually be sticking to it. Something I gota thank the internet for. Previously my drunken rants were only heard by the odd random passer by outside the offee. Now I can embarass myself on a global scale! Power to the drinker!

Good luck me bredrins and always Put It In Cider!!!

Mo Drunkeness

Been up for over 36 hours so far and I is well wasted. Had a familly doo so got the night off work. Downed a shed load of booze, got home and ofcourse had to play some poker.

Put £10 into BluSq. Played a $10 freezout but admit I did play like a total donk and busted in 244th.

Had $8.46 left so put it into 10c/20c. Took down a $15 pot with KK in sb after 5x80c raises so jammed. All fold except QQ. Ace hit on the river and I know some of dem was gutted they never called. Not long after that I reraised a reraise to $1.25 with 910s. Dude with AA flat called, silly boy. I flopped a str8 and jammed. 2 callers with AA and AJ. They didnt hit and I took down a $39.90 pot. Nice. Now a win a few more hands after getting some insults and I'm on $46.50

My aim is to leave when I hit $50.

Missed a few draws and was down to $29 ish. Then I must have totally lost it *(once again).

Got 7s5s and raise to $1. One caller who has me covered. Flop A53 2spades. He raises to $2 and I decide my draw (roughly 50% chance of hitting I reckoned drunkenly). Too drunk to count so jam. He has AK and I dont hit anything and Monk Off the lot. Stupid stupid play I know but I is well wankered and thats the way I roll. If I had hit I would have had enough to leave with comfortably but now I'm considering putting another tenner in. Not sure tho coz I blew a lot down the pub and have a massive hangover and cider is running low.

Might post post later.

Put It In Cyder!!!!!

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BOOOO! realized I had no food so kept playin. Now realized I is well too wasted to be playin drafts let alone poker and I av run out of Cyder. Propper gutted right know. Was £10 up but is now £20 down. Bugger! Might have to change address so I dont get banged up for council tax evasion. Sheeeeeeeeet!

Good luck folks. Keep It In Cyder If U Can

What a bootiful day (plus Post Post) (plus Post Post Post)

(tune of the day: I know I've played this b4 but I have to make it tune of the day again coz I'm listening to it on repeat on media player. Cant get enuff of Automatic Preditor. Had an email asking me when the UK Teknival is. As always, dont know when, dont know where, phone the partyline on the night for directions.)
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Poker: The Monk is back (just). Managed to get £10 into Crypto. Been drinking all night and busted £20 down the pub. Ouch! Met 2 really fit girls tho and got a numba. Nice!
Had a call from my mate Ness lastnight as well. Fkn wkd! Met this girl at a rave in Hungary last summer. I was standing on a bail of hay totally off my tits, telling all these Hungarian dudes how life is all about gabba and the south west side. AIII!
Anyway this wkd gal stepped up and said "yeah I fkn love Gabba and come from the South West Side" She has dreadlocks and I fell in love immediately! Anyway this kool dreadlock gal has been travelling the world for the whole time since I last seen her. Got a phone call lastnight and she is in Newquay and is coming to see me on Tuesday. WAHOO!!!! Cant wait to see her again. Dont care if I go broke coz Ness is comin up to see me. lol
Played 2x£2 multis's so far. Made final table on one but busted out 6th. In one atm but totally crippled coz some prick could'nt fold AK on a J high flush board. Busted down to 135 chips with 86o.
Wish me luck and Put It In Cyder!!!!
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Busted the whole shebang on dem damn multis. Put another £10 into Crypto and I is playin cash now. Forgot do mention, played a dude called Del who rinced my stack in the last one, but he had a pic of a bottle of beer and a bag of weed. Nufff Ruspec. Also. Last night me and my mate Phill went down the pub with fkall money, he put £3 into the cash rincer and hit the money streak to win £45. Yes Yes. We got f##ked up last night!

• Post Post Post

F#'k me! Just lost everything in a second. Flopped a str8 and got reraised by some dude who flopped a set. I jammed coz there was 2 suits on the flop. He called and turned a full house. Muther fucker!!! Proppa fucked now~! Son of a fucking CUNT!

I aint havin this fuckin shit! Next 10 bucks is goin right back in now to the same table/ fuckit!!!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! (sober edit)

Busted all my rakeback on crytpo. Was running real good for a while. Decided to buyin to multis but play cash at the same time to cover the cost. It worked for about 3 hours. Made the final table on a small multi for a bust out in 9th. Kept playing cash and got dicked! Lost de whole shebang. Then played wot I had on Betfair. More than covered my losses. Got my stack up to $75 but busted the flaming lot like a Donk. It took a few hands to do it. Me set of Js got disappointingly beaten by a flush for $40. my set of 2s got unfortunately bettered by a set of Ks for $20. Won some then, Busted $20 chasing a str8.
F##k### ### I busted the whole ##### lot on some bull s##t! (Blast what a damn shame. )Why didn't I leave when I was on $75? F####ing p####d off and have nothing left now so if u dont hear from me for a while its coz I'm totallly broke. Son of a C#nt! Cant f####ing believe it! B#####ks! (It seems I was quite annoyed at this point)
I really need to find a woman now! Something to help pass the time till I can back on the tables. Maybe I could pretend I dont play poker and keep a bit of sex on tap? (Its quite possible I popped off to a porn site and had one off the wrist here. I was very drunk at the time of post. And here's me thinking it was toothpaste)

Good luck to you all anyway. Hope you do better than me.

Hard Slog

( tune of the day: cant remember the name. Some yankie stuff. Aint herd anything about this years Teknival yet. Have booked the weekend off work already so it probably wont be happening this year. lol.)

Searching my brain for more poker money lastnight and remembered I had £10 in my paypal acc. Betfair take paypay so I wacked it in. Sat down with the whole Shamo on a cash game. It was around midnight and I had already polished off 4.5 litres of the good stuff.

Got my stack up to $45 when I flopped the nut flush. Checked it down to the river where this guy made his one card K high flush and reraised me allin. Silly boy. $20 pot.

Lost nearly everything an hour later on this hand: Dealt AA in BB. Gets raised to $1.25, I call hoping to set a trap. Flop 96A. Rainbow. Lovely. I check. He makes it $3. I wait and call. Turn 9. Ideal! Check. He bets $3. I raise to $6. He waits and calls. River 5h putting 3 hearts on the board. I'm hoping he was sucking on a backdoor flush (mistake) and bet $6, he makes it $12, wahoo I'm in. I jam he calls, and flips over fucking quad 9s! Mutherfucker!

That left me with $3.50. I sat at that same table with all the money I have in the world for 5 long hours just to get my stack back to $16.90. Jesus Christ that was no fun at all! At least I controlled my Drunken tilt tho. Soon as I get enough money I've gotta start multi tabling else I'll go crazy staring at this shit! Fold Fold Fold. It sucks when you're card dead. Went to bed 9am down but not out.

Put It In Cyder!!!

Wahey! Its May!!! (plus Post Post)

( Happy SummerTime Everyone! tune of the day: some crazy gabba stuff we listen to at these parties [click the empty box to hear it] The pics are from last years UK Teknival at Davidstowe, which I am asbolutely gutted to have missed out on :( Got several text messages Saturday afternoon giving me directions to the teknival from London, where I used to live. I checked it out and Jesus Christ its only 9 miles down the road from me in Cornwall. Usually its in Wales, Scotland or some stupid layby in the middle of nowhere. Trouble is I've gotta work that night and its a double pay bank holiday weekend and I really needed the cash. So I decided I'd wait till the evening and phone my mates to see if its been shut down by the feds. If not, I'm calling in sick for the whole weekend, loading up with Cyder and getting my ass out there.

I foned 10 different mates who were likely to be there and none of them answered. I decided it was a busto and went to work. Little did I know that they were all standing by the speakers and this party was going off!

Got to work and told my boss that he'd better be damn happy that I showed up coz my mates were doing a wicked party that night. He said "Yeah Yeah whatever" and laughed. Later that night he came down to the factory floor and asked me if that party my mates were doing was the massive illegal rave at Davidstowe. I said, er, not sure but I know they've got a lot of friends. He said all the police from Devon and Cornwall had been drafted in to shut it down and because our factory was the only place open or big enough, they were using our canteen as a base. OMFG! Talk about rubbing my face in it! On my lunch break I heard some fed boasting about how they were gonna bust these ravers and shut it down later. Anyway, by the time they got there, 3000 people had showed up, and all they could do was block off the roads to stop more arriving. HA HA!
My mates said the party was asbolutely wicked. Unfortunately the ol'bill had quite a lot of success on this one. They managed to stop a lot of trucks coming out of the party and confiscated a lot of equipment. Ouch! That must hurt more than my poker.

The small pic is of my mate Punk Cath havin it dun by the speakers. Nuff Respec! Not sure what they're tryna do in the middle pic but I is pritty sure they're not gonna knock that rig down. lol The girl with the pink dreds later told me that she was very dissapointed that her dog walk had been spoilt by nasty people with big speakers)

.

Poker: That play I made yesterday with the Qs was sooo gay. I had just made a note on someone for not laying down pocket Qs. Lets never speak of this again.

Havent got my rake thro yet on Crypto. Hence the amount of time spent on this post. Pretty gutted bout dat. Was looking forward to some poker this morning. It usually comes on the 1st but can take till the 6th. Might have to go and do some busking with my dij. lol.

Gonna see if I get it after 9am. Till then I'll be reading some blogs. Plan3t Gong is one I'm reading next. Reallized that was where I found the discussion on cash vs tournies debate. Its a sound blog. Poker blog that makes you think. And it does too. If you havent read it yet and want to be good at poker, read everything this man has to say.

Also, massive biggup to Kenn (link on right) for cashing $9k last month. Yes Yes!

Anyway I'm gonna try work out how to screw some more money out of the bank so I can poke. If not it'll be Wednessday night b4 I can play (payday). Only 24ish hours. Not so bad.

Good luck at the tables folks

Put It In Cyder!!!

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My rakeback hasn't come thro yet but thats ok coz it will be all I have the play with for the week. Had some good news from them tho. I'll be getting 40% rakeback in May on Interpoker plus they're still doing the $1000 reload bonus (not that I'll ever have that much money to put in. Will probly go for the $20). In fact I think Interpoker might be better than Will Hill now.

The bloodclaat bank still hasn't given me back the £325 quid they stole from me when my rent was double paid. Its been over a month now and they just keep saying its being dealt with. The Bastards admitted it was their fault and I wouldnt be fined but I just got a letter saying I'm being fined £25 next week. Slags! Have to sort this out else I'll get a fine for my fine! These bumboclaats seriously dont want to mess with me. I owe them over £18k (debts acrued thro being a drunken student and not from poker). I can easilly go bancrupt now and they wont get a penny. Plus I'll have a lot more money each month. It just means I'll have to "give" my pc and my sound system to my mate so I can play poker round his house. No problemo!

When I was on the squat scene in London I had mates who had no bank acc. coz they did a runner when they ran up a £1k debt. I always thought this was rediculus. A grand? I always said if I was gonna screw my bank it would be for every penny I could get. Well boys, it looks like I might be about to achieve my ambition. Gonna try to sort this out coz it would be nice to get a mortgage on a caravan in Pikeyville some day. lol.

Back on the poker front. Had a call from my mate Al in the states today. He's from Britain but lives in upstate NewYork and loves his poker. His ISP has barred him from all poker sites, which sucks. So he's started hooking up with underground live games. Just like in rounders. I'm tryna get him to start a blog coz he's got some amazing stories. He said he went to a really dodgy area in the south Bronx on Saturday for a game. He lost around $200 I think but he usually cleans em out. What got me as a really good idea was the way it was structured. Its just based in some dudes building or flat but they do it like a casino. The house takes a rake but instead of keeping it for themselves its kept in a beer and pizza fund. He said they had a dustbin full of ice and beer to help yourself, and all the pizza you could eat. And they paid for his cab home. Nice! Start a blog dude coz some of your tales need to be heard.

Maybe this could be a plan for the Holsworthy crew eh Romper? Bag of chips from the house rake? lol